Clear

Beach side in Seattle

July 7 2019

I was looking around and saw a bunch of women in rapture. It reminded me of all the wonderful friendships I have built in my life.

Within a couple of seconds, Arpit interrupted my reverie. “Don’t stare at them”. He was imposing his idea of acceptable behavior onto me. That’s what happens to people when they are together. They start to become ashamed and irritated by other’s eccentricities. Knowing full well that what they found adorable once is one of the things they detest now.

Familiarity continues to breed contempt.

Two fortunes

My fortune cookie said – you will become an accomplished writer.

His said – pay attention to your intuition.

I don’t know if the two paths will meet but today is beautiful.

Don’t leave me

These three words have become so hard to say ever since I realized no one really owes you anything.

I got up frightened by a bad dream. I felt I would be ok if he was by my side. I just wanted to reach out and ask him to affirm. I couldn’t. People who want to be there are a blessing and the expectation should not a reason for resentment.

Conditioning

July 5 2019

We have been together a dozen times and I haven’t come once. Yet I am the one pushing for it with the aim of just pleasing him. I feel the vicious pattern is continuing. I seem to have given up on my needs and the thought that I deserve to come too. I am resigned rather than frustrated. It’s sad to see but at least I see it.

It became real yesterday when we had sex on the beach and I did not come again. And he, jovially blamed me for enticing him. Why am I even doing all this shit?! Sex was for mutual recreation, not to just be a vessel.

Forever

July 3, 2019

Somewhere between Houston and Seattle, I found the feeling that he could be my forever. Almost together with it, was the realization that “forever” is a fragile concept, almost entirely out of one’s control. It was dependent on the whims and fancies of the other person as much as mine, superceeded by the overarching power of life itself. This understanding was bitter sweet; empowering and estranging the same time.

Perhaps love in it’s true sense is just that, a star-tinted reality. It effuses admiration, a deep connection and affection. Beneath the surface remains the bigger truth – it is anchored by the willingness of the two to be there, for they find whatever they have signed up for is greater than what they are losing.

Forever

July 3, 2019

Somewhere between Houston and Seattle, I found the feeling that he could be my forever. Almost together with it, was the realization that “forever” is a fragile concept, almost entirely out of one’s control. It was dependent on the whims and fancies of the other person as much as mine, superceeded by the overarching power of life itself. This understanding was bitter sweet; empowering and estranging the same time.

Perhaps love in it’s true sense is just that, a star-studded reality. It effuses admiration, a deep connection and affection. Beneath the surface remains the bigger truth – it is anchored by the willingness of the two to be there, for they find whatever they have signed up for is greater than what they are losing.

Two is one?

Jun 17, 2019

Calgary — McHugh Bluff

I had read somewhere that the smallest unit of existence is two. Being with someone completes you.

As I was walking up the bluff, I noticed very many couples walking up and down. All of them were holding onto each other in some way. All of them seemed to want to be there. They were creating a life together.

In that instant, I did not feel lonely. I did not wish anyone to be there. I did not see us being together like this. And the thought made me neither happy nor sad. It’s weird that when you get the thing you longed for the most, it might not be the missing piece you were searching for. You were whole to begin with.

Hard decisions

June 10, 2019

Akka remarked that one can’t beat around the bush all the time. There comes a time that hard decisions need to be made. My daily CnH strip also told about making hard decisions.

I wondered how easy it has been for me to make tough calls in my life? How have I made my life easier for myself?

Road to India

Jun 1 2019

I was driving to the Houston airport. I maze from the sprawling urban terrain to the no-frills suburbs. Just as I get off the highway, the sights around remind me of India. Maybe somewhere in Rajasthan. For a moment I felt like if I keep on driving, I might eventually end up there.

Things as they are

Very many new thoughts and realizations have dawned on me the past month. I would think about writing it down but then I forgot and it fleeted away. All in all, experiences were a reaffirmation of the aphorism –

“Remember that what you now have was among the things you only hoped for” – Epicurus

I have been cribbing and hating on my work for so long. The other day, while gearing up to give a speech at the Goldman Sachs conference, I realized that I am the only woman speaker and perhaps, one of the few people of color. It was a very humbling and proud moment. I was transported back to a time not very long ago, when all I wished for a job upon graduation. I wanted to be somebody, to be of use, appreciated and validated. This job has lived its purpose and I have grown beyond it. This simple acknowledgement gave me a lot of peace – my moment of “taking things as they are”. Work has’nt been so bad ever since.