Things as they are

Very many new thoughts and realizations have dawned on me the past month. I would think about writing it down but then I forgot and it fleeted away. All in all, experiences were a reaffirmation of the aphorism –

“Remember that what you now have was among the things you only hoped for” – Epicurus

I have been cribbing and hating on my work for so long. The other day, while gearing up to give a speech at the Goldman Sachs conference, I realized that I am the only woman speaker and perhaps, one of the few people of color. It was a very humbling and proud moment. I was transported back to a time not very long ago, when all I wished for a job upon graduation. I wanted to be somebody, to be of use, appreciated and validated. This job has lived its purpose and I have grown beyond it. This simple acknowledgement gave me a lot of peace – my moment of “taking things as they are”. Work has’nt been so bad ever since.

 

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USP

March 28, 2019

Arpit and I casually ended up talking about our USP. What was my USP?

Before I asked my friends, I asked myself –

Dependable, caring, energetic/zestful/positive, curious, striving to be better professionally and personally, good host, emotionally attached in relationships

Live without you

January 2019

I remembered a time many moons ago when I had a simple test to gauge if I wanted to be in a relationship with someone.

Can I live without the person?

The test was mainly an influence of watching too many Bollywood movies. Today I realized that it’s not a question of can I live without but can I live with the person? More importantly, do I want to live my life with this person?

A small change of words, a big step towards realism.

Running water

18th January 2019

I suddenly became aware of the water fountain that runs around the clock in my pool. I used to love that sound when I first moved to my new place. I used to love listening to it through my window as I fell asleep.

With time, I forgot my privilege. I remembered this long lost joy today and took a moment to absorb it again.

Make lemonade

January 10th 2019

I got up this morning, mildly terrified of what I would be doing today. I have had many a few days where I whiled away the entire day trying to do something. I felt awfully stuck. Over the past three years now, I have had countless many discussions with friends, strangers, family on designing a new life, finding “the one” and not repeating the mistakes of my past. The more I discussed, the more spent I was. I felt I was moving away from what I wanted. I was constantly apologetic and feeling small.

One of my guys reminded me of my dream of “The Mirror of Erised”. (Reminded me that people are enablers – even the worst help you to discover yourself). I had dreamt of this mirror and no matter how much I looked, I only saw myself. It reminded me of my strong desire of finding my voice, my opinion, myself. What does “Prachi” want? Irrespective of what he, she, they say; what do I really want to do. I have often struggled with it. I have a constant fear that I am wrong and someone might just prove it.

I felt a tinge of pain and realized how beautiful it was to “feel” pain. I was glad that I was capable of feeling. Pain is an essential feeling. Can true joy be ever felt by someone who has’nt felt pain?

Over the past two years, I have constantly hated my current state of affairs – my health, my body, my career, to name a few. I have questioned my self-worth and my relationships. I have constantly questioned all that was a given. I have sought to find life changing experiences by travelling to the most exotic places, meditating, thinking and what not.  I have felt so lost and have viewed this negatively.

 

I remembered today that it is up to you on how you view your present. Well, I read that somewhere and it hit home. I am confused and lost but that’s also a sign of change coming. I am trying to find myself. The pain, struggle, void are indicators that something needs to change and by that virtue, isn’t this one of the most exciting times? A time for me to question, contemplate, re-think, reject, accept, create and shape myself more into whoever I want to be.

2019

Jan 2, 2019

Every year, every self analysis ends into a painfully convoluted discourse that leads to mostly nothing. I am going to cut the crap this year. Let’s go for brevity.

My strengths: positive, eager-beaver, thoughtful, caring, bubbly and friendly

My weaknesses: egoistic, short-tempered, volatile, over-thinking, ADHD (high excitement, low execution), impatient

What I would like to become more of: do more think less, compassionate, calm tempered, more healthy

What did my typical day look like in 2018:

What do I want it to be in

 

With this in mind, I thought of some cool things to aspire towards this year. Because I like meeting goals, I think making some arbitrary challenges for me is the way to achieve anything.

Goal/challenge:

  1. Do more, think less Part 1: Write one book review every month
  2. Do more, think less Part 2: One painting/non-bio article every month
  3. Be more healthy Part 1: Yoga instructor
  4. Be more healthy Part 2: End 2019 at 140 lbs or less

 

 

 

 

 

 

Play it safe

Houston

December 4, 2018

For the past few weeks, I have been plagued by fear, anxiety and excitement. Yes, I have started dating someone I actually like. I had always thought it was relatively easy to find someone. How naive! In the past four years, I have found very few who I liked and even fewer who deserved to be liked.

I am one of those people who are intoxicated by love. I crave to be in love and be loved so much so that I fall head first at the slightest likelihood. Despite knowing that relations constructed on excitement seldom last, I often use that as the barometer. Years of loving and dating have made me more protective, fearful and anxious than I ever was. I have become pro my true emotions and opinions, especially with people  I find hard to believe. So is the case with Nimit, the guy who inspired this blog.

I enjoy his company so much that I can’t stop thinking. The fixation leads to fear of what if this will not last. Also, fear if the person is fake and I end up feeling stupid again. Thinking is killing me. Thinking has become a habit, my alcohol – I keep getting intoxicated of it.

I was playing with Ashish’s pendulum and I thought about him. The pendulum stopped at “Play it safe”. I embraced it. Perhaps, that should be the mantra with any new relation. I am my top priority until someone caves their way in.

HMT

Chennai

Nov 2018

I was back in Chennai after a long time. It was rather nice to enjoy old activities and events again but this time with more fervor. We had one of our infamous family get-togethers around Diwali. Dad’s side family events were filled with politics, family drama and a lot of bitching. The biggest bone of contention was Tauji’s antics and insensitive, over the top behavior. Sometimes, the bitching would lead to old stories of bad behavior, beginning right from Dad’s early struggles in Chennai. Today we went down that memory lane yet again.

Dad and Mom went on a painstaking journey of recalling every horrifying behavior of Tauji and Taiji. They had taken away worthless stuff away from my parents, binge ate and exploited them when my family was not doing very well, very slyly denied a club membership to them and took work away from my dad.

My mom commented that karma is real and my dad still got many lucky chances and breaks. And they paid for their cruelty in other ways. The long car ride from Chacha’s passed in a jiffy with this dramatic story.

Once back, I changed and was chilling in my room. Dad popped suddenly and showed an old, worn-out, watch dial. He said this is an HMT watch, one of the popular ones from old India. Tauji had bought it with his first salary in Chennai and has sent it to his favorite brother (Papa) ages ago. No one else in the household had received such a grand display of affection. Tauji had urged Dad to move from Rajasthan to the promising land of Chennai. Dad moved and Tauji was his guardian those first few days. Papa reminisced how he had loving treated him and taken him to all the wonderful restaurants in a new world. And then, it had all changed.

That HMT watch was a souvenir of the lost love between them and the deep kindness and care that Papa had felt. And that feeling probably still lingered on, despite being superceeded by deep disappointment and hurt. Probably that’s why Papa felt the need to redeem Tauji, despite all the wrongs that had ruined their relationship.

Such is the nature of kindness and love. It remains long after the person is long gone.