A ring

I have been stressed about finding the right ring. The perfect ring. Buying expensive things does not come easy to me. The pursuit of once in a lifetime, perfect thing just makes it worse. And, of course, I don’t like taking too much time making decisions. This trifecta of dilemmas plague me time and again. I often write about it but it does not lead to an easier predicament next time around. I wonder what I could do differently.

Perhaps, I could start out by accepting that these decisions are tough for me. I could acknowledge that this decision might not be perfect and more importantly, chasing perfection is a never ending and pointless pursuit in the long run. I could also give up on trying to hope for a different response and accept my response to certain situations. And, in the light of my limitations, what is the most appropriate course of action.

For instance, in the case of my ring, I do not feel comfortable buying something too expensive. I know that most people search hard and buy expensive rings as the symbol of their undying love. For me, a ring is just a symbol. Do I care about the size or the rock or the price tag or how expensive it looks? No. I do like buying pretty things. I am not sure if I will always like to wear it. I think rings are a reminder of gestures/life events. Like the green and black ring reminds me of my mom and the platinum rins is a gift from my Dad.

I liked the moonstone ring Arpit and I got from Jiju. It was pretty and more than that, it was a relief to worry about another thing. Perhaps, another day and time, when I care about and know more about rings, I will buy a different one. Perhaps, I will ask Arpit to surprise me with a ring sometime somewhere. Perhaps, buying rings and jewelry will never be my thing. Maybe, we splurge on experiences, food, travel and art.

For now, I have a ring to wear on my wedding day. It is pretty. I don’t know if it’s perfect. But, it works. I can always get a new one later. Most emotions and memories fade and wither away. Disappointment/regret/any sadness causing emotion are as fleeting as any happiness causing emotion and maybe even happiness/sadness is only attributed because our perception of what’s a positive and negative thing. Increasingly it seems to me that positives and negatives are quite interchangeable. Probably, it’s just how you see it.

“I was smitten and happy with the ring within ten minutes of seeing it. I was elated. I kept checking again and again after I bought it and started to observe more and more flaws. It was the same thing but my emotions moved from one end of the range to another.”

Nostalgia

Rainfall holds a magical place in my life. Words fall short when I try to describe what I see in front of my eyes. I hear thunder, I see beautiful lush green painted wet by a sudden, ferocious rain. A strong wind is rustling the tree outside my room as if the wind and the tree are locked in a friendly wrestling match. The leaves of the tree sway, thry look to run away from the rain and dancing at the same time. My words do no justice to the emoting welling me inside now.

Rains are one of those nostalgia inspiring elements in my life. They almost never fail to transport me to my home town of Chennai, back when I was a child. So many vivid memories flash my mind that I do not know where to start re-opening the stories of past. I reminisce about the rainy monsoons of my home town and the long cozy days spent at home staring into the balcony and looking at the world slowing down just a bit. I remember waiting deadfully (and sometimes hopefully) for the news channelĀ  to announce school closure. We used to bike to school through flooded streets, wading knee deep through the water. I marvel at the strange nature of memory to preserve some miserable, hilarious moments and safely tuck it away as one of our fondest memories.

Almost every time it rained, my mom would make pakoras with halwa and chai. Sitting in the living room with my family, gobbling away the food was a delight. Sometimes, if we were in the mood, my sisters and I would go up to the terrace and play in the water. We would dance to ‘chak dhoom dhoom’ and wallow around in large puddles of water forming over uneven ground. The best of all was sleeping by the window to be woken up by pitter patter drops splashing gently on my face. And, lying cuddled up in the blanket, looking at the grey clouds and the wet landscape.

Clear

Beach side in Seattle

July 7 2019

I was looking around and saw a bunch of women in rapture. It reminded me of all the wonderful friendships I have built in my life.

Within a couple of seconds, Arpit interrupted my reverie. “Don’t stare at them”. He was imposing his idea of acceptable behavior onto me. That’s what happens to people when they are together. They start to become ashamed and irritated by other’s eccentricities. Knowing full well that what they found adorable once is one of the things they detest now.

Familiarity continues to breed contempt.

Don’t leave me

These three words have become so hard to say ever since I realized no one really owes you anything.

I got up frightened by a bad dream. I felt I would be ok if he was by my side. I just wanted to reach out and ask him to affirm. I couldn’t. People who want to be there are a blessing and the expectation should not a reason for resentment.

Conditioning

July 5 2019

We have been together a dozen times and I haven’t come once. Yet I am the one pushing for it with the aim of just pleasing him. I feel the vicious pattern is continuing. I seem to have given up on my needs and the thought that I deserve to come too. I am resigned rather than frustrated. It’s sad to see but at least I see it.

It became real yesterday when we had sex on the beach and I did not come again. And he, jovially blamed me for enticing him. Why am I even doing all this shit?! Sex was for mutual recreation, not to just be a vessel.

Forever

July 3, 2019

Somewhere between Houston and Seattle, I found the feeling that he could be my forever. Almost together with it, was the realization that “forever” is a fragile concept, almost entirely out of one’s control. It was dependent on the whims and fancies of the other person as much as mine, superceeded by the overarching power of life itself. This understanding was bitter sweet; empowering and estranging the same time.

Perhaps love in it’s true sense is just that, a star-tinted reality. It effuses admiration, a deep connection and affection. Beneath the surface remains the bigger truth – it is anchored by the willingness of the two to be there, for they find whatever they have signed up for is greater than what they are losing.

Forever

July 3, 2019

Somewhere between Houston and Seattle, I found the feeling that he could be my forever. Almost together with it, was the realization that “forever” is a fragile concept, almost entirely out of one’s control. It was dependent on the whims and fancies of the other person as much as mine, superceeded by the overarching power of life itself. This understanding was bitter sweet; empowering and estranging the same time.

Perhaps love in it’s true sense is just that, a star-studded reality. It effuses admiration, a deep connection and affection. Beneath the surface remains the bigger truth – it is anchored by the willingness of the two to be there, for they find whatever they have signed up for is greater than what they are losing.

Two is one?

Jun 17, 2019

Calgary — McHugh Bluff

I had read somewhere that the smallest unit of existence is two. Being with someone completes you.

As I was walking up the bluff, I noticed very many couples walking up and down. All of them were holding onto each other in some way. All of them seemed to want to be there. They were creating a life together.

In that instant, I did not feel lonely. I did not wish anyone to be there. I did not see us being together like this. And the thought made me neither happy nor sad. It’s weird that when you get the thing you longed for the most, it might not be the missing piece you were searching for. You were whole to begin with.

Hard decisions

June 10, 2019

Akka remarked that one can’t beat around the bush all the time. There comes a time that hard decisions need to be made. My daily CnH strip also told about making hard decisions.

I wondered how easy it has been for me to make tough calls in my life? How have I made my life easier for myself?