January 10th 2019
I got up this morning, mildly terrified of what I would be doing today. I have had many a few days where I whiled away the entire day trying to do something. I felt awfully stuck. Over the past three years now, I have had countless many discussions with friends, strangers, family on designing a new life, finding “the one” and not repeating the mistakes of my past. The more I discussed, the more spent I was. I felt I was moving away from what I wanted. I was constantly apologetic and feeling small.
One of my guys reminded me of my dream of “The Mirror of Erised”. (Reminded me that people are enablers – even the worst help you to discover yourself). I had dreamt of this mirror and no matter how much I looked, I only saw myself. It reminded me of my strong desire of finding my voice, my opinion, myself. What does “Prachi” want? Irrespective of what he, she, they say; what do I really want to do. I have often struggled with it. I have a constant fear that I am wrong and someone might just prove it.
I felt a tinge of pain and realized how beautiful it was to “feel” pain. I was glad that I was capable of feeling. Pain is an essential feeling. Can true joy be ever felt by someone who has’nt felt pain?
Over the past two years, I have constantly hated my current state of affairs – my health, my body, my career, to name a few. I have questioned my self-worth and my relationships. I have constantly questioned all that was a given. I have sought to find life changing experiences by travelling to the most exotic places, meditating, thinking and what not. I have felt so lost and have viewed this negatively.
I remembered today that it is up to you on how you view your present. Well, I read that somewhere and it hit home. I am confused and lost but that’s also a sign of change coming. I am trying to find myself. The pain, struggle, void are indicators that something needs to change and by that virtue, isn’t this one of the most exciting times? A time for me to question, contemplate, re-think, reject, accept, create and shape myself more into whoever I want to be.