Intimate Lust

I have never taken him seriously. I had a waxing and waning crush on him but I never had the desire to date him. Occupied by a new crush, I had been aloof to him but his flirtatious pursuit did not seem to end. I had deemed it as a flirtatious friendship. It was hard to gauge his intentions or to take him seriously. Last night, his intentions could not have been more obvious. We were at a happy hour with Susana and within 30 minutes she pointed out that he was totally hitting on me. There was an awkward pause and he said maybe. As the night progressed, he kept asking me about my dating life, what I was looking for, a one-night stand story and if I approach guys directly . What more… He was touching me playfully and playing footsie with me.

He noticed that I hated my drink so made sure I got the one I liked. When I called myself, both he and Susie cried in unison that I was not and should stop saying that! The way he looked at me and spoke to me was more than lust; I felt like he actually liked me. He was looking at me like K did but I try not to give it too much credit. Lust and like were difficult to separate sometimes.

At some point when we were by ourselves, he asked me if I was going home with him. My heart started beating rapidly and I felt speechless. I would have said yes if we did not work together. This was hard. To make matters worse, he said that he would ask me on a date if we were not working together. A one-night stand was the less detached way to go about this. I was torn. I felt stupid that I could not give a snappy answer. I saw that he was trying to convince me to come with him. I did not like that he was trying to seduce me. I was sick of people that were capable of manipulation. But I was curious too… I had’nt slept with someone in over  a year and what better than someone you are attracted to and already know. Besides, I was clear that we could never date conventionally. The worse that could happen was he told people at work.

With nothing much to lose, I decided to take the plunge. We lay on his rooftop looking at the Houston skyline and spoke sweet little nothings for a while. It did’nt have to be absolute love and dedication. This feeling of belonging and being wanted was all I needed then. I decided to let go of shame, not being good enough… I wanted this experience to remove some of my old scars… of not being able to do sex because it was painful or being ashamed of my body because it was not “perfect”. I decided that I will let him fuck me no matter how much the pain and will not admit how I feel post sex. I was done being vulnerable with the hope that knight in shining armour will understand and heal me.

I did the act, I gave him what he wanted, I enjoyed it a bit as well and I did not toil all night for morning to come. I took off after the rendezvous, letting go of him , his body and shaking off any disappointment or regret I might have felt. It felt good to break the curse.

Stars

23 September 2017

As we sat watching stars from his rooftop, he said ” Isn’t it amazing that some stars we see today may long be dead. It takes millions of years for light to travel so the source might be non-existent by the time you see the light.”

It was such a subtle and beautiful scientific fact; another one of nature’s implied messages. Again I was surprised to see people in a different light that I had judged. I caught glimpses of him through his layers of defense.

His bumble profile said – ” travelling and speaking spanish”

His favorite quote was –

Well, I try my best
To be just like I am
But everybody wants you
To be just like them

— Bob Dylan

Great Expectations

I have been furious with Akka and Pranjal for saying that I expect too much. I believed and held high expectations when it came to dating. The last couple of days  the nature of my expectations become starkly obvious to me. I expected a lot from my friends… very many small things. Expectations of specific things can make the other unexpected wonderful gestures oblivious. I got a dream today. Akka was driving to M Ais to help her. I was furious that she did not do the same for me. Instead of driving along with Akka, I was just furious because it was not about me. I really feel the need to tone my expectations. They are no longer a benchmark for entry. They are becoming a bar that keeps getting higher, so much so that no one can reach and its disappointment on all fronts.

Ben

Georgetown Piano bar

It was inevitable that he was going to sit next to me. He offered to buy me a drink twice. I refused on account of not wanting to take advantage of a person I was not interested. We spoke a bit and he left soon. I realized that saying no to the drink was refusing to talk to him. I cultivated a new principle today – Never say no to an offer for a drink and a conversation. 

Lisa

NYC Sep 2017

Limping out, Wondering the cost of arrogance and ambition, I stumble into Lisa. A transformed tattoo shows that mistakes might not be erasable but can be forgotten. Rambling about life, I go in circles. I am afraid to have forgotten the wise words.  Days later these words remind me of her presence –
Listen to yourself and stop listening to them. No one owes you anything.

Toxic to Healthy

1. I was traveling in DC and spent an hour and a half trying to buy shoes. I got confused /didn’t have a clear criteria. I hated that I wasted my vacation time and was indecisive. 

Next time I go to buy shoes, I will have criteria – price, brand and features I want. When a product meets  my criteria,you I  buy it. I will not spend time shopping during travel unless I need to/ am enjoying it. 

The shaft of light

Georgetown, Washington

Can regret and worry help u etch life lessons from the past and make u lead a better life? Has it been that way or made me more fearful? Probably the latter. If I had spent the energy thinking of a solution/ better approach next time, I would have been better off. I need to start letting go off toxic behavior and cultivate healthier ones. 

Choices

I hate making choices and decisions. The possibility of it failing miserably/ missing on a wonderful opportunity weighs on the decision. From deciding whether to visit a city or not to what kind of car to buy, no matter how small or big the decision, it has driven me nuts. My heart and mind enter a spiral and as time ticks by, the anxiety to make a decision escalates. I read today that there are two types of decision makers – satisficers and maximizers. Satisficers set a criteria and when the criteria is met, they make a decision. Maximizers look for the best available option. They keep looking even after finding what they want. They don’t want to miss out on an even better opportunity. Studies show that satisficers tend to be more happy than maximizers. I am a maximizer and I feel the pain of my process.

I want to make things better for myself. Perhaps, it would be good to have different criterias for personal/qualitative decisions and practical/quantifiable decisions. Practical decisions like buying a car/house require a list of items that you need. It can be as simple as having french window in a house or what kind of car. A practical decision has a monetary value — how much are you willing to pay for what you need. And there’s plenty of analysis out there to help you gauge a fair price for your criteria. When a practical question arises, I need to cultivate a better process.

1. Take a step back and inhale deeply. No need to hurry. Relax and evaluate.
2.  What needs to be done and by when? What are the top priorities? What’s at stake?
3. What practical decisions need to be taken? List and Research with the aim of setting criterias and deciding based on those criterias
4. Don’t make everything difficult and obsess over every decision. Save brain juice for the difficult ones.
5. For the personal decisions, go by the feel. Do you feel like doing it now? Feelings keep changing but that’s the easiest way for making personal decisions. You can’t control everything.
6. Most important, don’t waste time regretting over the decision process. You may feel you suck at it. But let this be one of the few flaws that you have 😉 Life is a great leveller.

For everyday personal decisions, I need to have a new 10-minute rule. Today, I spend two hours deciding if I wanted to stay an extra day in NYC. From now on, easy decisions will be on a time clock. Evaluate options and decide based on how you feel. You are not losing any more than you are gaining. Peace!

 

Killing me softly with his song

6th Sep, 2017

The best moments are when you least plan them. Many at times we pay so much attention to the place, dress, hair and plan everything to the last detail. And then there are those days when you are going about business as usual and there is a boom.

I walked into the lunch room and there he was, sitting on the high stool by the window. I felt an excitement strumming through my body. My mind was making up and rehearsing an opening line as I walked by to sit next to him. I always hope for such chance acquaintances with him, at the water cooler, coffee machine… Hope to glean what I can of him. I recently found out that he has a girl friend.. well, at least he’s not gay. But that does not deter me from savoring my time with him.

I sit by him with the mere hope of hearing his voice, gazing at his face and exchanging a few sentences. We talk about Harvey, temperature, Denver, Houston, outdoors, and his origins. I am surprised that he is talking to me this long. I am even surprised and flushed when he tries to re-start the conversation twice after it reaches a dead end. If he did not have a girl friend, I would have thought he was interested in me. Frankly, he still could be… (Sigh! I hope) He asks about my siblings, my city in India and Austin. I am talking but I just want to gaze at his beautiful blue eyes. They look like clear bright blue water. Ah.. it’s such sweet pain to be mesmerized by someone.

Later… I worried if I had killed any interest he had in me. Did I talk too much/ ask the wrong questions? When we parted, he said the conversation was “very existential.” Why am I so philosophical? I must be boring/ putting off people. Or maybe was it ok to be that way? I try to remember the recent dating advice I read. It said something about being yourself but keep it interesting.  I think I did. I probably spoke a lot but it was to probe him to speak more too. I was philosophical but that’s ok. I think it was a healthy balance of funny and good serious.

Remember what Dr. V said, Don’t try to conform. You know the best for you. Remember what Steven said, You are good. There’s someone for everyone.