12/30/2019
Session 1:
Arpit’s friend recommended counselling with Surina Lall. During my first session, we discussed about my issues, the main one being my feeling of being stuck and struggle to work towards the kind of life I want.
Her intention for today was simple – let go of the need to be white or black, right or wrong. It’s ok to not be 100% there. Think about taking small steps – I want to be more patient, a little more compassionate, little steps to whatever I want to achieve. Little steps are big achievements – celebrate them. But even before that, accept where I am. It’s OK that I am where I am. When I am ready, I may decide to move. If I decide to stay, that’s also OK. It’s OK if I forget sometimes, it’s OK if I err… it’s just OK.
2/16/2020
I have taken five sessions with Surina this year and have been pretty on target with my workouts. I have started doing barre regualry and strength training for my shoulders. I feel great. Exercising has improved my mood as well.The word/phrase of the month has been –
It does’nt matter what you do. Do it with purposeful intent.
Be mindful.
My sessions with Surina have helped me be at more ease. The main takeaways from her sessions have been…
- There is no right or wrong… probably more apt and less given the factors at that time
- Self worth being tied to how much weight I give to external stimuli.
- Not judging people or their worth to you by their opinions… one instance or udnesirable quality does not sum the person. Take people for what they are and perhaps achieve the same standard for your own self too.
- Approaching every task with a right or wrong/decision mentality excludes the possibility of experiencing it whollely. Some thing need TIME.. let it sit
- And probably most important, have patience. Consistency, trial and persistence are essential to achieving things. Some things take a life time to achieve. Just be patient and work towards it.
- Change comes from acceptance. Accept who you are. Anger, guilt, shame comes from resisting the reality.
I have also realized some things about myself along the way… something to be mindful about.
- I get upset when people close to me don’t agree with my preferences, don’t adhere to my rules and wishes. A part of it is probably because I hate being WRONG and value being RIGHT very much. Being wrong means being stupid, in my mind.
- I hate it when I don’t get the BEST of everything. If I can’t have it and someone else does, I feel wronged. I realize that with Arpit… sometimes when he takes something I want and does not give me something I would have liked, resentment is my default emotion. I remember the rubber duck pichkoo I had lost and blamed Piyush for taking from me. I probably knew it was mine but felt vindicated when he gave me his.
- I tend to give more weightage to the bad so much so that one unpleasant experiences tints all other aspects of my life. It struck me that the way I describe experiences, I wallowed in guilt and pain even after the event got over and it ends up roll balling several good things along the way. Austin. Denver. Mehta family’s big vacation in the US. There was so much good and fun but the unpleasantness somehow multiplied and the goodness faded. A part of it was because I had an “ideal” scenario in my mind and the way things played out deviated quite a bit. Instead of trying to respond to it dynamically, I just kept ruminating over how I fucked up and took it very personally.
- I suffer with changes, challenge to my current state and when things don’t go my way. I want to the disease, the uneasiness to just stop existing instead of thinking “how can I make it better?” Hoe can I be a better analyst, writer, skier, driver etc.
February 25, 2019
Session #6 with Surina
We spoke about my recent irritation with Shelby’s probing, the need to be always right/ not corrected in situations – a constant topic of fight with Arpit.
1. Acceptance
2. Self contentment – despite externalities- people/situations
3. Flexibility – no one right/ wrong
thecuriousmind 